What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say, “You can have it all?”

I get it. Right about now, you’re probably thinking I’m delusional. It’s impossible to balance work, kids, family, rest, and fun — right? What if we changed the cliche to, “You can have what you want!” Does that feel a little more realistic, as if I’m not trying to trick you into believing a lie? I hope so.

Over the last seven years career coaching dentists and hygienists, I’ve witnessed amazing transformations — enough to convince me that it’s true. You can indeed have what you want, a much more realistic possibility than having it all.

If it’s possible, then why are so many of us feeling uninspired and bored with the lives we chose? The answer is because we’re focusing more on pleasing others than what we really want. Our strong sense of duty and obligation is a double-edged sword that gets in the way of finding the personal and professional balance we all crave.

Commitment to duty and obligation is important. It helps guide us to do “what’s right” ensuring we live safe, productive lives. That’s all well and good, but because many of us in dentistry are overachievers, our perfectionist tendencies get directed at everything we do – even our sense of duty and obligation.

But when we let duty and obligation rule, we lose touch with something just as important: choosing ourselves. Instead of being driven by autonomy and personal fulfillment, we’re constantly pulled by external expectations. Rather than following our own desires, we sacrifice them for the relentless need to do what’s expected of us. We trade curiosity and fun for predictability and routine, which keeps us safe — but often at the expense of our happiness.

You can live a life true to yourself, not what others expect of you.

In her book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, best-selling author and palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, reflects on the discussions with her patients in their final days. The number one regret of people on their deathbed was, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

If that’s not a wake-up call, I don’t know what is! If you’re thinking, “That’s great, but I don’t even know what I really want,” I hear you. I used to feel the same way. For years, I was so consumed with being a successful dentist, I didn’t know who I was outside of that goal. I didn’t know what I liked or what I wanted for myself. How do you believe you can have what you want in life if you don’t even know what you want?

This lack of self-awareness is a common trap. Many of us choose a career in dentistry because we think it will give us the perfect balance in life. We’ll experience the satisfaction of serving others and impacting lives, the nobility of our work will earn us the respect of our family, and we will have the freedom and flexibility to do all the fun activities that really excite us.

At first, it works! Receiving respect and praise feels great. We feel proud of ourselves, and then we settle into the comfort that approval and validation bring. But over time, external praise starts to replace our inner sense of self. That is when we begin to tie our self-worth to our professional identity.

We get so caught up in the role of “dentist” we forget to cultivate other parts of ourselves. We stop investing in personal growth and exploring interests beyond the office. Eventually, we start to believe dentistry is who we are. When work is good, we feel great. But when the stress of managing the team, the monotony of doing the same work every day, or the fear of getting sued starts to creep in; it’s easy to feel like we’ve lost ourselves entirely.

The truth is, you’re more than your job title.

Dentistry is an amazing profession that can give you everything you ever wanted, but it’s also challenging. It comes with a lot of baggage that can knock your confidence and lead to anxiety or even depression. We are such good achievers that we grit our way through, always hustling – even at the expense of our own well-being. But if you want to find true balance and fulfillment, it’s vital you step back and reassess how much of your life you’re living for others versus how much you’re living for yourself.

It’s never too late to realign your career with your personal values. By exploring your interests outside of work, you can fit dentistry into your life instead of fitting your life into dentistry.

All change starts with a first step. Take stock of all the ways you’re living life on other people’s terms. If you imagine you’re living life based on a set of rules handed down to you, ask yourself, “What unwritten rules dictate how I live? Which of these rules support me and which hold me back?” You’ll see that you’re often living on autopilot, following rules you don’t even believe and didn’t even know you had. That awareness can allow you to consciously re-write the rules of your life in a way that will serve you.

It’s your life, so you get to choose. Once you give yourself permission to explore what you want, you’ll find it so much easier to take action.

Now imagine yourself at the end of your life. How do you want to feel when you look back?

Do you want to look back with regret, wishing your story had been different? Or do you want to know you lived your best life? You are the author of your own story, and you get to decide.

When you reconnect with who you are beyond your profession, you’ll rediscover life on your terms. You’ll see that giving yourself permission to say yes to yourself isn’t selfish at all, it’s necessary. In fact, prioritizing your own well-being will help you show up as your best self at work and at home. You’ll be better for others when you’re better for yourself, and this newfound balance will also rekindle your relationship with dentistry, making your work feel more fulfilling and enjoyable again.

Maybe then we can allow ourselves to believe we can have it all—with one caveat: as long as “all” means what you want. Because isn’t that what having it all really means anyway?

After dreaming of becoming a dentist her whole life, Dr. Laura Brenner learned that clinical dentistry wasn’t a fit. She practiced for 10 years before leaving clinical dentistry to become a blogger, a speaker, and a certified professional coach. She founded Lolabees Career Coaching in 2018 to help dentists and hygienists create joyful, balanced lives.