By: Ms. Katherine Eitel Belt

We’ve all done it. We avoid conversations we need to have because we’re afraid. Afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Afraid we might make things worse. We stuff down the words we want to say. We feel like a victim of the person, behavior, or circumstance when all along it’s actually us who lack the courage or skills to have these necessary conversations.

Why do so many of us, who are top-notch professionals in every other way, do this? For many, it comes down to bad past experiences. We may have spoken to someone in the past with the best of intentions and when those conversations did not go well, we learned to avoid them. The problem with avoiding is that situations rarely resolve themselves and typically get worse over time which only strengthens our irritation, confusion, or negative feelings, as well as eroding openness, trust, creativity and weakening our relationships.

You can engage in these conversations with predictably better outcomes by recognizing and shifting your limiting beliefs and adding a few of these tools:

I NEVER LOSE. I EITHER WIN OR I LEARN.
When you believe you cannot lose, no matter how the conversation goes, and the only reality is that you will either create a good outcome for both parties or learn something powerful about what works or what doesn’t and you will have more courage.

CRUCIAL INFORMATION MAY BE MISSING. LISTEN FIRST, TALK SECOND.
“Sara, I want to talk to you about how we are handling our end-of-day closing process. I have some concerns about it but first, I’m wondering how you think we’re doing?” It’s amazing the enlightening information you will learn when you ask for this valuable and relevant information up front. This can shift your perspective, heighten empathy, or even cause you to change your mind completely.

AGREEMENT IS A GOOD PLACE TO START.
Where you agree is a much stronger platform from which to launch the conversation. As you plan for the conversation, consider where you might agree within the issue and start there. Example: “Would it be fair to say, Sara, that we both want to get out of here as close to 5:00 as possible to get home to our families?” Most reasonable people will agree. The rest of the conversation will be easier because it now seems in service to the foundational place of agreement.

JUDGEMENT IS A RELATIONSHIP KILLER.
Very few things are definitively good or bad, right or wrong. If we can suspend our personal judgment and focus on whether something works or doesn’t work, we do better. Things are either in alignment with the practice’s vision, value, and standards or they’re out of alignment. Instead of speaking about things being wrong or bad, switch to “This doesn’t work for maintaining our value of excellent service.” Or, “This works better for supporting the team in accomplishing our goals.”

NOBODY HAS TO DO ANYTHING.
We really can’t make people do anything. It’s much better to speak about choice and show confidence in the fact that most people will make the choice that is best for them. We speak in a much less threatening way when we highlight the person’s choice to align with our values, company vision, team objectives, or even what I call non-negotiables. For example, “Sara, one of my non-negotiables is that we are all here at 7:45 ready to go for the day. I completely understand that it may not be possible for you to be the kind of mother you want to be for your children every morning and get here by that time for work. I respect that very much. Only you will know the options available to you and whether you can do both. I’ll fully respect whatever decision you make. If you decide to continue to work here, you will need to commit to our team agreement of a daily start time of 7:45.” In other words, Sara doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do and certainly not anything that goes against a core value for her… and to work here she would need to be here at 7:45 am. You then position yourself as always being Sara’s champion, helping her to be “at choice” and to make the decision that is best for her.

RESOLVE OR REQUEST.
All upsets are usually the result of a missing agreement or a previous agreement which has been broken. Clarify up front if you are resolving and solving for a missing agreement or requesting that a previous agreement be met.

NO TWO PEOPLE WILL SEE THE PAST THE SAME.
Every time they go back, we go forward. When they say, “That’s not what I do!” or “I always do that!” (even if I don’t agree) I say, “Okay… and looking forward, how can we create a way to ensure that it’s always done according to our agreement?” or “Okay, let’s focus on creating a process where I can feel as confident about this as you are.”

“AND” IS ALMOST ALWAYS A BETTER WORD CHOICE THAN “BUT”.
“And” builds on the previous statement. “But” cancels it out. Be sure to connect any of these steps with “and” instead of the word “but.” Example: “Sara, you always bring the most valuable information about our patients to our morning meeting, and I’d like to talk about how we can support you in being on time for our meetings every morning.” This would be a very different sentence if we used the word “but” instead of “and”.

BE OPEN INSTEAD OF BEING RIGHT.
Creative solutions can surprise you in conflict. If you’re open and not married to being right, it’s amazing what two reasonable and thoughtful people can create. Go into the conversation with ideas and be open to the delightful surprise of an even better solution.

Our world desperately needs more non-judgmental, thoughtful and courageous conversations. Our own professional and personal worlds need them too… and leaders always go first. So, step up. Be courageous. Open your mind and your heart. Step out of anger and into courage and collaboration. Take responsibility for not stepping in to speak about these things sooner. Go into the experience ready to learn and grow yourself. Be sincerely curious and creative about what’s possible. Be a champion for the other person, no matter the outcome.

Ms. Katherine Eitel Belt is the founder and CEO of LionSpeak, a speaker, author and performance coach. She is a faculty member for the Dental Business Institute and the Dental Speakers Institute and a guest faculty instructor for the Texas Tech University Dental School in El Paso, TX.